When our offer was accepted by the bank that 'owns' the foreclosed house, they made us sign all this paperwork that we would not hold them liable if anything should go wrong prior to and including closing . . . even if it was THEIR fault.
Okay, the bank that owns the foreclosure shall here on out be known as Those Big Countrywide Lying Cheating Bastards, also known to the general and yet to be screwed public as Countrywide.
We're coming up on closing (July 23rd), a random date of their choosing. We were ready 2-weeks ago. We've packed our crap. Haven't renewed the lease on this crack house we're renting (thank you very much).
Got a call from the realtor, she's a good guy. Those Big Countrywide Lying Cheating Bastards only had a small percentage of the title. They had no right to foreclose on it. Another bank actually owns more of the title than Those Big Countrywide Lying Cheating Bastards. As of 0000 hours on August 1st we are no long tenants of aforementioned crack house. We're about $6K in non-refundable money to the Those Big Countrywide Lying Cheating Bastards scam. We signed the stinkin' paper work that we wouldn't hold them accountable if they screwed me.
I seriously need a spot on 20/20. Those Big Countrywide Lying Cheating Bastards needs to see me working my butt off with a baby in my belly, 3-kids in need of a home and a husband who refuses to live in an RV park.
Don't email me or call me or any crap asking me what is going on. I don't know. All I know is that Those Big Countrywide Lying Cheating Bastards tried to sell me a house that they don't own. If you want to say something to me about Those Big Countrywide Lying Cheating Bastards then it has to be about what dirty rotten scoundrels those son-of-maggoty-dog-poops are or about how cute my kids are or how you happen to be an amazing lawyer and can get us that house by July 23rd and can arrange for a pain-and-suffering payout in the sum of $14million dollars. Ooooooooh (that's the sound of me shivering and gritting my teeth and looking REALLY passionately mad -- as in crazy pregnant woman on the edge). Aaaarrrrrrrrrrrr (this is the sound of me getting so frickin' fed up with stupid donkeyholes and other stuff).
Great. Just great. My uterus is contracting it is so mad -- as in crazy pregnant uterus trying to grow a baby with no place to flippin' live when it comes out.
@&%%&*Y*^&$%EHV%$*(*^($#%@^!!!!!!!!!!! (translation: really, really bad as in very bad words)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Repeat the sounding joy! Repeat the sounding joy!
I hate Countrywide!!!!!!!!!!!
PS - Lars wants this said, but not by me, cause there is no sunny side -- this is all coming from HIM (not Those Big Countrywide Lying Cheating Bastards but Mr Glass is Half Empty (that would be Lars)), okay now he says I should say something about my use of double brackets coming from my stellar algebraic, ummmm, thinker. Okay, back to Mr Glass is Half Empty and his untimely sunny perspective: (wait a minute, he's laughing cause this is really funny shit -- you know) (OMG he won't stop) (get a grip) "This other bank should recgonize that they have the opportunity (big ass fart, fo' real, there was a real fart and it wasn't mine or Ultimette's) (okay I'm laughing a little now, too, maybe a little tinkle too -- Ultimette's NOT mine) to sell this house that had a ffffffff, ahhhh, open market offer (is that like a farmer's market) and will hopefully by tomorrow morning, ummmm, accept our terms (you know because we're the motha friggers in the howse y'all)." Lars = normal font "no, no I'm not normal", Kelly's train of potty mouth thoughts are actually in normal font. Oh, help! I'm lobbing right now (laughing and sobbing), oh man, I need some booze or a magic mushroom or a special brownie or maybe just a Xanax and an Ambien (both in my medicine cabinet).
Our realtor, dearest buddy Kristen, also has a potty mouth. She says "I'm on it like stink on shit." Oh, it means so much to have folks who try to cover your big, wide, corn-fed, Midwestern donkey (or, how us Michigan folks refer to our own asses -- big swing on my back porch). Any other good synonyms for butt out there?
1 comment:
YIKES! Fingers crossed, prayers said, karma sent, mojo flying, and a few foul words for The Bank Who Doesn't Own YOUR House.
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