Bustin' Guts

Whew, am I glad to have the staples out! While laughing is still ridiculously painful, it is much easier to do without all that metal across my abdomen.
Today's Gut Bustin' Offense: While out on a supplies run at Babies R Us today (mine and Tova's first non-medical outing since leaving the hospital), Lars took Tova into the men's room to change her diaper after a feeding. I was drowsily sitting on the couch over in the registry section while the big old cow that was working that area kept insisting that there must be something she could help me with . . . for Pete's sake, can't a heifer take a load off on a couch? Anyway, I digress -- I noticed Lars was taking an unusually long time to do a little dipey change. Finally, he emerged from the bathroom a bit red-faced and smirking. Turns out, Tova had waited until Lars took her diaper off and then launched a big old seedy-mustard poo across the men's room a total of 64" (Lars' calculation) before it hit the stall wall opposite of her little bum. Then she peed on herself. Lars had no wipes to clean it with, so he grabbed tinkle covered Tova in one hand and a paper towel on the other and got down to business in trying to clean it up. Later he realized that it was midday, he's a man and he was in Babies R Us so probably the next time a guy would step foot in that restroom wouldn't be until this weekend. When he told me the story I think I felt my uterus pop out of my skin incision. I snorted about it the whole way home, which got me to feeling like I needed to cough, which of course is worse than laughing, so by the time we made it home I was on Operation Immediate Pain Control. Not long after that, Soren and Lars had an altercation about what planet Soren needed to return home to because he certainly wasn't from Earth but he ended up mixing up a few consonants in the word 'spacecraft' and because I had just taken some Vicodin it sounded like the funniest thing in the world to me. I could not stop guffawing, like an all out guffaw. Later I looked down at my belly and all my innards were spilling out, I just stuffed 'em back in cuz I was in a good mood, ya know?
Okay, now for some updatey kind of stuff:

• We went in for a staple removal yesterday. Lars was so bent out of shape because he was convinced that the medical assistant who was removing my staples was doing it wrong. Sure seemed like she was having a rough time and it was rather painful. At one point, she handed the staple removal tool to Lars to see if he wanted to finish. By the time she was done and they had sat me up the room had gone black and I was on my way to a good old fashioned fainting spell. The medical assistant felt terrible and Lars wouldn't drop it. He's still talking about it.
• Tova had a visit at the Puppy Mill. They actually saw us on time and we got out of there rather quickly. Her weight was up to 6#10oz (from a low of 6#5oz following the normal newborn weight loss) and she measured 18-1/2 inches . . . how she lost a 1/2 inch, I dunno, but she does look pretty shrimpy. Everything else went well, but it's all rather assembly line there. I really miss Dr Wonderful back in A2.
• Today I woke up without the feeling of an elephant sitting on my chest. Seems as though my 'girls' have estimated little Tova's milk demands and are starting to back off. Lefty has caught on a little quicker than righty, this is a fact that is physically obvious to even a 7-year old because today Petra pointed out that "one of your boobies is sloping." Yup, sloping my friend. I'm a sloper.
• My mom made us chili before she left and put it in the fridge. We had that for dinner last night and asparagus. The kids love asparagus because of what it does to their pee. Science is great, isn't it?
• Lars took the kids to Dads And Donuts at 7am this morning. It's a marketing thing to get families out to the book fair at their school. Lars bought a lot of books, schmoozed with the other mommies and daddies at school, and then went into Petra's classroom and sat with her teacher while the kids were in Quiet Reading Time. Mr M (P's teacher) told Lars that they've received back the scores on some testing they did on the kids and that our little P-Dog scored in the ninetieth percentile across every subject. He said this is very rare. So you see, we have a genius in our midst and as it turns out the $50/month that we've been socking away since her birth for college isn't going to cut it because she'll probably go to the Sorbonne or Harvard or U of M or something crazy. As of yet, her career aspirations include being a cow girl or a gymnast, so maybe we're dodging a bullet anyhow.
• Kristen and her kids brought us dinner tonight. Lars insisted on re-telling the harrowing tale of how Tova launched a dookie across the men's room and then I succumbed to raucous laughter again. I begged him to stop. As an apology, but only after I took another Vicodin, Lars opened a bottle of wine (my first in a very long time). Anyway, I felt pretty good after that.
• I've noticed today that I'm a lot less breathless and a lot less dizzy. Purdy good, huh?

Okie-dokie, that's about all I got. I'll have more for ya' tomorrow cause our littlest pooky pie will be fully one week old and if that's not something to blog about then I dunno what is . . .